It’s like a sudden epidemic, all around me I can see relationships falling apart and watching the dreadful collatoral damage for children. Having been in a long term relationship I can certainly understand the pressures but it got me to wondering how a spiritual perspective can understand what’s it all about. How have we made relationships so difficult that we cannot survive within them?
The relationship starts from a feeling of ‘lack’. We go into a relationship somehow believing that some aspect of being togethor will ‘complete us’. Maybe this is to have children, buy a house, lonliness or simply to relieve boredom. The point is we start off with the idea that it is the relationship which will fill the gap.
As a consequence, we project onto the other the absolute necessity for them to continue to fill that gap. This puts intolerable pressure on the other, who no doubt will try their best to meet the growing expectation. Inevitably each will fail to live up to the other’s expectation, possibly in small ways, but resentment will grow. Within this process each person is looking at the relationship as the cause and are trying to meet the other’s expectation. In so doing they are making compromises and sacrifices and as they do, they are losing a sense of themselves. Resentment leads to anger and ultimately one or both, will try to reclaim their identity by reverting to who they thought they were before the relationship. I wonder if this is where ‘affairs’ come into play as it gives one the opportunity to relive the more carefree relationships of the past whilst feeling they are being loved, wanted, needed etc.
It is this orginal feeling of needing something from the other, based upon our own sense of lacking something that is at the root of it. This is compounded further by the fact that most of us do not feel worthy of love. If you can’t love yourself, then you cannot understand how another would love you. If this is your feeling you will be needing more and more loving, and validation, as times goes on. Of course, no amount of love will heal the root cause but you will feel compelled to look for it elsewhere.
The idea that we are all one, that we are all worthy and that we are all on our own journey of discovery are important steps to healing. More important still though is the necessity for us to look within for answers first, and to grow our vision of ourself as spiritual beings, in order to ensure we can bring the best we can to the relationship without being affected by the other.